| I am not anyone special. Or so I thought. But we | | | | like these people." I would never hit rock bottom |
| are all special in our own unique way. And having | | | | like these people have. I am in complete control |
| anxiety and depression issues does not make me | | | | of myself and my "so-called" addictions. Once I |
| crazy, it makes me human. It's just not | | | | get through this program (voluntarily I might add), |
| something most people like to talk about because | | | | I would be fine. I never finished that Outpatient |
| it feels shameful and embarrassing. | | | | Program and 2 years ago I was diagnosed with |
| I had a drug addiction to Prescription pills for 10 | | | | Borderline Personality Disorder. |
| years that had me feeling isolated, anxious, | | | | Talk about anxiety and depression all rolled into |
| depressed and extremely moody. The anxiety | | | | one! There was a sense of peace within myself |
| intensified once I tried to become clean. My son | | | | having this diagnosis. Having a way to manage it. |
| was 10 at the time, I had been dating my current | | | | Still, my episodes in the last two years have let |
| boyfriend (now my husband) for 5 years and I | | | | what little support system I had, almost diminish. I |
| finally told him what was going on. "I have a drug | | | | try. I really do, but when one is honest with |
| problem." He immediately jumped in, called my | | | | oneself, is that really the case? How do we know |
| insurance company to see what benefits I had, | | | | we tried our hardest? There is no book, no |
| and I was to start an Outpatient Rehabilitation | | | | therapist to determine this, no ah-ha moment in |
| program immediately. I had to leave early from | | | | your brain saying "You did it Lady. You are finally |
| work which was very stressful in itself because I | | | | at the point of trying your hardest." It's like that |
| was in sales, tell my 10 year old son (hoping he | | | | parenting book we all look for. It just doesn't |
| could handle it) that I would not be home every | | | | exist. |
| night because of my drug problem, and overall, | | | | So if I had to have one last conversation to the |
| accept that it was okay to be a flawed; a very | | | | people in my life; the supportive, non-supportive, |
| flawed human being. Outpatient is often after | | | | and loved ones, it would go something like this-I |
| work hours, but where I lived it was quite a hike | | | | am sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused |
| to get there during rush hour, so I had to leave | | | | all of you, and if I could, I would take it all away. |
| work earlier that I had anticipated. | | | | Alas, I cannot. So here is what is on my mind- If |
| Then came the dreaded meeting with HR and my | | | | anyone of you had any idea that I had a problem, |
| managers with the letter from the Rehab Center | | | | I wish you would have spoken up. It might have |
| with the excuse as to why I had to leave work | | | | given me back those past 10 years of my life. |
| early for the next two weeks. That marked my | | | | But I get it, you are all too angry from my past |
| first of many humiliating moments pertaining to | | | | actions to want to even try and understand what |
| my drug problems. I don't know why, but when | | | | it is I deal with on a daily basis. People deal with |
| you say something out loud, "I have a drug | | | | things differently, and I definitely fall under the |
| problem," it seems to have a bigger impact (in | | | | category of not being able to deal with life and all |
| my mind at least) than if you just say it in your | | | | that it ensues. |
| head. My boyfriend was extremely supportive, | | | | Depression and Anxiety along with substance |
| but he insisted that I call my family members to | | | | abuse are not a healthy combination. With that |
| let them know what was going on. I did. Not | | | | being said, I hope that knowing what I continue to |
| exactly the support I had anticipated. There was | | | | go through on a daily basis, you will not let the |
| a lot of "Are you okay?" "Is there anything I can | | | | same thing happen to someone else you care for. |
| do to help?" "I am so sorry". Blah, blah, blah is | | | | No matter how painful it may be to talk about, or |
| what it sounded and felt like to me. I kept thinking | | | | maybe have an Intervention. Maybe if I had that |
| how awful this was that I had to make these | | | | level of support years ago, I would have saved |
| phone calls, and that once I got "better" my | | | | myself and the others around me a lot of trouble |
| boyfriend was going to leave me because I would | | | | and suffering. I am the only one to blame here, |
| be too much to handle. My mind and thoughts are | | | | but please remember that my definition of |
| racing at an amazing speed. None of these racing | | | | support is being there for someone you care |
| thoughts included the most important- I have a | | | | about; no matter what. I have learned this |
| drug problem and had to get better. For me. Not | | | | through these past many years and as I deal with |
| anyone else. Just me. | | | | my Depression and Anxiety, I hope that you all |
| Now the physical effects of withdrawal are | | | | can find it in your hearts to forgive me and give |
| excruciating. The headaches were almost | | | | our lives a second, third, fourth, fifth (whatever |
| unbearable, the stomach cramps, nausea, and | | | | that number may be)a chance. For me personally, |
| throwing up, all just horrible. If I had just one of | | | | I look back at my past actions as a cry for help |
| anything, any kind of pill, I would feel better. But | | | | that no one heard. So please keep your ears and |
| then that defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Here | | | | hearts open to yourself and others that might |
| comes the fear and anxiety of knowing that I | | | | need help before it's too late. At least I am here |
| cannot take medicine and drink like a "regular | | | | another day... |
| person." I would plead with God. "Please make it | | | | Thank you so kindly for reading my thoughts and |
| stop and I will never do anything bad ever again. | | | | I hope that if this helps just one person reach out |
| Just please make the physical and mental pain | | | | to another person, then I will have accomplished |
| stop!" | | | | something wonderful. And each and every day, |
| Social events, even something as normal as going | | | | no matter how anxious or depressed I get, I get |
| to the neighbor's house made me so anxious that | | | | to have this day and hopefully tomorrow, |
| all I could think about was drinking a bottle of wine | | | | because if do not make today great, then what |
| to calm my nerves. Going to those AA and NA | | | | would happen if tomorrow never came? And who |
| meetings during Outpatient Rehab did not help | | | | would be there to hug me and tell me that I am |
| either. I am not this bad off I kept telling myself. | | | | "normal? |
| My husband would say the same. "You are not | | | | |