| "Why?" seems like a good question, doesn't it? I | | | | "What small step could I take towards that?" |
| certainly used to think so. I've asked "Why?" | | | | (You may be wondering about asking "Why?" of |
| often in my life so I must have thought it was a | | | | others or them asking it of you. It has the same |
| good question. Or maybe I never had thought | | | | effects! It doesn't work well in those situations |
| about it or noticed what happened when I asked | | | | either.) "Why?" is useful for scientific inquiries (and |
| that particular question. Over time, I've gone from | | | | perhaps in therapy). However, it doesn't help us |
| the questions of a toddler (Why is the sky blue?) | | | | create happy, fulfilling, passionate lives with warm, |
| to the questions of a child (Why did my dog die?) | | | | loving relationships. And isn't some version of that |
| to the questions of an adult ("Why did that man | | | | what we all want? What Else Can You Do? If you |
| break up with me?). "Why?" used to be one of | | | | take "Why?" out of your vocabulary, what in the |
| my favorite questions. Not any more. A few | | | | world do you say or do instead? One option is to |
| years ago someone offered me a very different | | | | just notice. If you want something, if you light up |
| perspective on "Why?" I started paying attention | | | | about something, if you're passionate about |
| to what happened when I asked myself or others | | | | something, if someone does something you don't |
| this simple question. I noticed that "Why?" was | | | | like, accept that is what is. Trying to find out why |
| very seldom a useful question. In fact, I | | | | is just a distraction. Another option is to ask |
| discovered it was often a question that worked | | | | different questions. Rather than "Why?" ask |
| against me. Now I do my best to not ask myself | | | | questions that expand, questions that look |
| or others "Why?" Why Not Ask Why? In your | | | | forward such as: * What can I do next? * What |
| internal conversations, are you asking yourself | | | | do I love about this? * What will help me to |
| "Why?" on a regular basis? Why do I want that? | | | | create that? * What do I want to do now? * |
| Why am I feeling depressed? Why can't I be | | | | What can I learn from this? * What do I really |
| satisfied with the job I have? Why can't I figure | | | | want in this situation? * What's the lesson here? * |
| out what I want in life? Why did I say that? | | | | How can I do something different the next time? |
| Though you may not realize it, (I certainly didn't!) | | | | * Who could help me with this? In Your Life I do |
| there's a judgment implied in the question. "Why?" | | | | believe you'll find not asking "Why?" to be very |
| is really more like "What's the matter with me?" | | | | helpful. It's a small shift that can make a big |
| or "Why can't I be different than I am?" When | | | | difference. Here's how you can start to play with |
| you ask yourself "Why?" you experience (subtly | | | | this idea. 1) Check it out for yourself. Notice what |
| or not so subtly) one or more of the following: * | | | | happens when you ask yourself or others "Why?" |
| You're in your head: analyzing, trying to figure out | | | | Can you sense a subtle or not so subtle judgment |
| the answer. Even if you don't know (and much of | | | | in the question? How does this question affect |
| the time we truly don't know the "real reason" | | | | you and your energy? What does it do to your |
| we're thinking, saying, doing, or wanting | | | | ability to take action toward what you truly want? |
| something) you'll do your best to come up with | | | | How does it impact your interactions with others? |
| an answer. Even if you have to make it up! * You | | | | You don't have to do anything different yet. Just |
| hear the implied judgment and so you start down | | | | see for yourself how this question works or |
| that road. You criticize or blame yourself. You | | | | doesn't work in your life. 2) Now try |
| rationalize. You justify. You feel defensive, bad, | | | | experimenting with some alternatives. When you |
| wrong, or wronged. * Your energy is drained. | | | | catch yourself asking or getting ready to ask |
| Rarely, rarely, rarely do you get an answer to | | | | "why?" make a different choice, such as I |
| "Why?" that helps you move forward. More likely, | | | | suggested in "What Else Can You Do?" Notice |
| asking "Why?" will get you stuck and off track. It | | | | what happens when you say or do something |
| takes your focus away from where you're going | | | | different. 3) If you like what happens when you |
| and how to get there, leaving you circling around | | | | don't ask why, make a commitment to drop |
| in your mind. Asking "Why?" stops you. It gets in | | | | "Why?" from your vocabulary. Over time, this will |
| the way of creating more of what you truly | | | | be easier and easier to do. If you want to get |
| want. I have seen this with clients when they | | | | unstuck... If you want to move forward in your |
| discover something that lights them up. They | | | | life... If you want to have more ease and fun |
| immediately start asking "Why do I want that?" | | | | along life's journey.. stop asking "Why?" I think |
| or "Why does that light me up?" "Why?" is truly | | | | you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results. Enjoy! |
| an unanswerable question when it comes to what | | | | Bonnie McFarland works with women at midlife |
| lights you up and your passions. They simply are | | | | who are bored, stuck, or restless and wondering |
| what they are. More useful questions at this point | | | | what to do with the rest of their lives. Visit for |
| would be "What does that look like?" and "What | | | | her free e-book and ezine to create more |
| could I do to have more of that in my life?" and | | | | pleasure, passion, and purpose in your life. |