Stuck In Life? Stop Asking This Question

"Why?" seems like a good question, doesn't it? I"What small step could I take towards that?"
certainly used to think so. I've asked "Why?"(You may be wondering about asking "Why?" of
often in my life so I must have thought it was aothers or them asking it of you. It has the same
good question. Or maybe I never had thoughteffects! It doesn't work well in those situations
about it or noticed what happened when I askedeither.) "Why?" is useful for scientific inquiries (and
that particular question. Over time, I've gone fromperhaps in therapy). However, it doesn't help us
the questions of a toddler (Why is the sky blue?)create happy, fulfilling, passionate lives with warm,
to the questions of a child (Why did my dog die?)loving relationships. And isn't some version of that
to the questions of an adult ("Why did that manwhat we all want? What Else Can You Do? If you
break up with me?). "Why?" used to be one oftake "Why?" out of your vocabulary, what in the
my favorite questions. Not any more. A fewworld do you say or do instead? One option is to
years ago someone offered me a very differentjust notice. If you want something, if you light up
perspective on "Why?" I started paying attentionabout something, if you're passionate about
to what happened when I asked myself or otherssomething, if someone does something you don't
this simple question. I noticed that "Why?" waslike, accept that is what is. Trying to find out why
very seldom a useful question. In fact, Iis just a distraction. Another option is to ask
discovered it was often a question that workeddifferent questions. Rather than "Why?" ask
against me. Now I do my best to not ask myselfquestions that expand, questions that look
or others "Why?" Why Not Ask Why? In yourforward such as: * What can I do next? * What
internal conversations, are you asking yourselfdo I love about this? * What will help me to
"Why?" on a regular basis? Why do I want that?create that? * What do I want to do now? *
Why am I feeling depressed? Why can't I beWhat can I learn from this? * What do I really
satisfied with the job I have? Why can't I figurewant in this situation? * What's the lesson here? *
out what I want in life? Why did I say that?How can I do something different the next time?
Though you may not realize it, (I certainly didn't!)* Who could help me with this? In Your Life I do
there's a judgment implied in the question. "Why?"believe you'll find not asking "Why?" to be very
is really more like "What's the matter with me?"helpful. It's a small shift that can make a big
or "Why can't I be different than I am?" Whendifference. Here's how you can start to play with
you ask yourself "Why?" you experience (subtlythis idea. 1) Check it out for yourself. Notice what
or not so subtly) one or more of the following: *happens when you ask yourself or others "Why?"
You're in your head: analyzing, trying to figure outCan you sense a subtle or not so subtle judgment
the answer. Even if you don't know (and much ofin the question? How does this question affect
the time we truly don't know the "real reason"you and your energy? What does it do to your
we're thinking, saying, doing, or wantingability to take action toward what you truly want?
something) you'll do your best to come up withHow does it impact your interactions with others?
an answer. Even if you have to make it up! * YouYou don't have to do anything different yet. Just
hear the implied judgment and so you start downsee for yourself how this question works or
that road. You criticize or blame yourself. Youdoesn't work in your life. 2) Now try
rationalize. You justify. You feel defensive, bad,experimenting with some alternatives. When you
wrong, or wronged. * Your energy is drained.catch yourself asking or getting ready to ask
Rarely, rarely, rarely do you get an answer to"why?" make a different choice, such as I
"Why?" that helps you move forward. More likely,suggested in "What Else Can You Do?" Notice
asking "Why?" will get you stuck and off track. Itwhat happens when you say or do something
takes your focus away from where you're goingdifferent. 3) If you like what happens when you
and how to get there, leaving you circling arounddon't ask why, make a commitment to drop
in your mind. Asking "Why?" stops you. It gets in"Why?" from your vocabulary. Over time, this will
the way of creating more of what you trulybe easier and easier to do. If you want to get
want. I have seen this with clients when theyunstuck... If you want to move forward in your
discover something that lights them up. Theylife... If you want to have more ease and fun
immediately start asking "Why do I want that?"along life's journey.. stop asking "Why?" I think
or "Why does that light me up?" "Why?" is trulyyou'll be pleasantly surprised at the results. Enjoy!
an unanswerable question when it comes to whatBonnie McFarland works with women at midlife
lights you up and your passions. They simply arewho are bored, stuck, or restless and wondering
what they are. More useful questions at this pointwhat to do with the rest of their lives. Visit for
would be "What does that look like?" and "Whather free e-book and ezine to create more
could I do to have more of that in my life?" andpleasure, passion, and purpose in your life.